My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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