Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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