party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Is it penis luge time yet?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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