alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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