apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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