and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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