Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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