I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
