you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I FOUND THE LEGS
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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