Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
