i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
