I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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