The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
