i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
where are you?
Hypothermia
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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