Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
