someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
