I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You're like the curious george of whores
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
