Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
