Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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