All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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