The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
