Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
