I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
