i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
