What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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