I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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