so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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