I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
