Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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