I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
