my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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