I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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