I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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