I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
