Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
