well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
