She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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