Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
