It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
