life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
