I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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