I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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