Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
