The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You can't just leave with hair like that
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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