I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
