my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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