Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
