she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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