well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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