Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize