so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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