Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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