Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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